Sprig's Pages

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

Memories are weird things. Brilliant things, things that help us to feel, love, and laugh; those of us that have lots of them are rich in that sense. But they're also irritatingly real at times, and can pop up at moments when really, you would be perfectly happy just staying in the present, or daydreaming about your make-believe future.

Like this morning on the way to work, when out of nowhere, my mind wandered to a really upsetting time of my life and played out the scenes like a trailer for a tearjerker movie. I could see the whole thing again as if I was back there, and felt the exact same way I did back then, right there on the Bakerloo line. I ended up getting off the tube with blurry eyes and an overall feeling of complete sadness because it suddenly felt like what happened around three years ago had only happened yesterday. It made me feel blue for the entire day and I still don't even know what led me to think of it. So thanks, brain.

I've never been good at forgetting the bad stuff (I'm not that good at forgiving, either) but this made me think of the film, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I remember the movie made me cry when the characters decided to give their failed relationship another go, even though they knew it would end in tears, because the good memories made it worth it. That's the thing with relationships - there's always a high chance it will end, but if we didn't love the falling in love part so much then no one would ever take the risk of getting together in the first place.

While I'd love to forget those memories, or at least make them less vivid, I think they all shape you into who you are - sadly, not always for the best, but shape you they do. I'm hoping that as I get older and make new ones, those upsetting ones will fade and become harder to play back; or maybe memories are stronger in our minds if they're associated with such deep feeling, and I'll never be rid of them. I just wish I could remember the good memories as well as I do the bad...